


Holding Onto You

by titanjaeger (oikawatooruisking)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Armin/Annie/Reiner live together, Eren POV, I already have two other things to work on, I'm not sure why I'm writing this, M/M, Minor Armin Arlert/Erwin Smith, Minor Reiner Braun/Annie Leonhart - Freeform, POV Armin Arlert, Past Armin Arlert/Erwin Smith - Freeform, Past Levi/Eren Yeager, Protective Annie & Reiner, That relationship ended faster that I wanted it to, be prepared for angst, discontinued, shrugs, switching POV, welp
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-01 04:17:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8607214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oikawatooruisking/pseuds/titanjaeger
Summary: Armin was so sure that he and Eren were meant to be. Until Eren started to date Levi, that is.
Now, as Armin's starting to move on, Eren pops back in and turns everything upside down.





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> This chapter has no dialogue.
> 
> It's mostly just how Armin felt about Eren and a quick set up for the next chapter, I guess.

Armin's known Eren since he was seven years old, and he knew him better than anyone else in the world. He knew Eren better than Reiner and Jean, who the brunet had actually known longer than Armin, and he knew him better than his father, who assumed that he knew his son very well because he confided in him occasionally. Hell, Armin knew Eren better than he knew himself.

He could read Eren like a book, could see through him when others found him hard to read. He knew when Eren was truly happy or when he was simply putting on a show to keep people from seeing him crumble. He knew when Eren was calm and when he was holding back an outburst of pure rage. No one knew Eren like Armin did, and Armin was extremely proud that he could say that.

But even though he knew Eren better than anyone else, he couldn't quite understand why he was so wrong about Eren's feelings towards him. 

There was a time when Eren openly stated that he wanted to marry Armin when they were older, that he wanted to be with no one but Armin. Armin had thought it odd that a ten year old could be so sure that he wanted to marry someone, even if that person was his best friend, so he tried to tell Eren that he'd probably find someone else in the future. The brunet would insist, though, that there was no one else for him, that he could never love anyone more than he loved Armin, and after a few years, Armin started to believe him.

Armin had been so sure that Eren had at least liked him as more than a friend, but that hope had been crushed the moment that Eren called him at two in the morning during their freshman year in high school to tell him that he hooked up with Levi and was now dating him. That was the moment that Armin felt all of Eren's promises of growing old together slip away. That was the moment that he realized how stupid he'd been to believe in the promise of a ten year old boy who didn't really understand the concept of love. That was the moment that Armin should have lost all hope.

It should have been expected, though, in hindsight. Once they started high school, and Eren met Levi, Eren barely took a second glance at Armin anymore. It became all about Levi.

For a while, Armin held out hope that it was just a crush that would fizzle out after enough time had passed, but then Levi gave in to Eren one night and didnt let him go. They stuck to each other like glue and were rarely seen without the other by their side.

Watching Eren be with Levi hurt like nothing he'd ever experienced. It hurt worse than the realization that his parents were never coming back. But nonetheless, he watched them from the sidelines because he wanted to be there for Eren. He hung out with them whenever Eren asked. He listened to Eren talk about all of their relationship problems. He helped Levi pick out the perfect gifts for Eren. He did everything that a best friend should, even if it left him feeling empty.

Annie and Reiner constantly asked him when he would give up, but his answer was always the same. He wanted to give up, to move on and find someone else, but he wasn't sure that he could. He'd never met anyone quite like Eren. He'd never met someone who understood him as well as Eren. He'd never met someone who made him feel the way Eren did.

Part of what made Armin hold on so tightly was that when it was just Armin and Eren, Eren would act like he still wanted him sometimes. Eren would flirt with and stare at Armin far too often when they were alone, and he kept clinging to the hope and the _What If_ s. What if Eren still had feelings for him? What if he just didn't want to mess up the relationship that he and Armin had already built? What if he thought that Armin didn't feel the same? What if he confessed to Eren? What if Eren was waiting for him to confess? Would that change anything at all?

Sometimes, Armin was convinced that those _What If_ s would be his downfall. Other times, he was convinced that he'd never know if he didn't try and should therefore try. 

But there was always the fear of rejection at the forefront of his mind, and it would never let him form those questions in Eren's presence. The anxiety of it all had him stopping and wondering why he'd even risk the relationship he already had with Eren by messing up the relationship Eren'd worked so hard to maintain with Levi. And so, Armin stayed silent about the feelings he had for his best friend.

Once it was time to go on to college, Armin went on to an Ivy League school in Baltimore with Annie and Reiner, while Eren stayed behind in California with Levi. Armin would be lying if he said that he didn't jump at the offer of going across the country to study because he was tired of watching Eren love someone else. But he still told most of his friends that he went because John Hopkins was a good school anyway, whether they believed him or not. Only Annie and Reiner knew the truth, and that was okay with him because they'd helped him decide that he'd stop pining over Eren a few months before graduation, and what better way to get his first love off of his mind like going to a prestigious school and studying his ass off?

It hadn't worked at first, but by his second year, he'd found it a bit easier to focus on school instead of Eren. He'd found texting and calling Eren easier when he wasn't so close to him, when he found that he started to accept that they weren't meant to be. 

By his third year, Armin started to test the waters. Reiner had convinced him to give a friend of his a try, and they'd actually hit it off pretty well. One date turned into two, then three. Three dates turned into six months of dating, and six months turned into a year, and Armin was starting to feel like he'd finally be able to love someone other than Eren for the first time in his life.

Until Eren showed up at his apartment one night, completely unexpected and soaking wet from the storm that raged outside.


	2. II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMO, The first chapter was rushed, and this one might be, too, but I'm going to take my time with the rest of the chapters.

Armin, Annie, and Reiner were all sitting on the sofa, cuddled up together under the warmest blankets they could find with several pillows surrounding them while Stephen King's The Shining played on TV. They weren't too far into the movie, but they were already tired of it and were arguing playfully over who would go get the remote that had been misplaced on the island that separated their small living room from the kitchen when there was a knock on the door.

Confused, the three looked between one another with a silent question hanging in the air: Was anyone expecting someone?

After the visitor knocked a second time, Annie broke the silence by asking, "Armin, did you invite Erwin over?"

"No," Armin said uncertainly. "At least, I don't think I did..."

"Did you order pizza without telling anyone again?" Annie turned her icy gaze on her boyfriend, and he pulled his hands from around her torso under the covers to hold them up placatingly.

"I swear that I didn't," Reiner promised.

"Okay," Armin began, "I went through my messages, and I definitely didn't invite Erwin. I even texted him to make sure that I didn't verbally invite him."

Reiner laughed. "You asked him?"

"I just wanted to make sure," Armin exclaimed just as there was another knock at the door. They all looked at the offending noise and then back at each other. "So.. Who's going to answer it?"

"Hmmm," Reiner mused. He put his hand up to his face and began stroking his chin as if he were pondering a mathematical equation rather than something as trivial as opening a door. "1, 2, 3, NOT IT!"

"Not it," Annie said.

"NO– Shit, guys, that's not fair," Armin whined.

"How is it not fair," Reiner asked.

"Yeah, you weren't fast enough." Annie made a shooing gesture with both of her hands, and looked Armin dead in the eye with a smirk and said, "Don't worry. I'll keep your spot nice and warm for you, Angelcake."

"Ughhh, fine! I wish you'd stop calling me that, though." Erwin gave him that nickname, and he hated it, which is exactly why it stuck. Well, at least she didn't call him anything that Eren used to call him.

There was a fourth knock on the door just as Armin had gotten off the sofa and started to make his way towards them. He hoped that maybe they'd just somehow sense that he was on his way to greet them and therefore wouldn't knock again, but unfortunately, the person was growing more impatient and gave a fifth knock, and Armin had to call out, "I'm coming," in hopes of getting them to knock it off. Besides, there was no need for them to bang harder with every knock. They hadn't been out there very long, and they should know that aggressive knocking doesn't get the door answered faster. 

If Armin would have looked through the peep hole in his door, he probably wouldn't have been as surprised by who was on the other side, but he didn't check at all, so when he opened the door to find Eren Jaeger standing in the hallway of the third floor of their apartment building, soaked to the bone and shivering, he was shocked to say the least.

He hadn't seen Eren since the night he left for Baltimore. Now, it's not like Armin purposely avoided Eren every time he went back to home — which he has been accused of — but he did during the first year. Not like that mattered much, though, because Eren was always stuck up Levi's ass and wound up too busy for Armin when he was in town. After two years of no face-to-face interaction with Eren, Armin just assumed that he wouldn't see him again. At all.

That's not to say that he never wanted to see Eren, though. No, that wasn't the case at all. Despite the pain he had inadvertently caused Armin, Eren was still his best friend. They still called and texted each other multiple times a week, and they still shared a bond greater than any Armin had ever felt with anyone else he had ever met, but to say that he wanted Eren to show up unexpectedly on his doorstep as he created a small puddle of rain water in the hallway, obviously cold but still smiling as if the sun were shining down on him, was a little much. Had he ever dreamt about it? Of course. That was before Erwin, though, before he'd found his hope for a brighter and love-filled life with a man who could properly return his feelings.

Armin had been staring. He'd been standing in the entryway, staring out at the embodiment of his past and future that could have been, and he hadn't noticed when Annie and Reiner had come to join him, hadn't noticed that they had been conversing with Eren while he was reliving every memory that he had ever shared with the bright-eyed man standing in front of him.

"Armin?." That was Reiner's voice. "Armin, are you going to move, so we can let him in?" His voice was warm and friendly, like it always was, but Armin could hear the worried undertones hidden there, could see it in the way Reiner looked at him when he finally turned his gaze away from Eren and toward his roommate.

"Uhh, yeah," Armin croaked. When had he managed to lose his voice? "Yeah, I'm sorry. Come on in, Eren."

He'd never thought that Eren would be here, not in Baltimore and especially not in his home. It was a strange thing, watching Eren step through the threshold of their two bedroom apartment as if he'd done so a million times before. How could he do that so effortlessly? Was he that sure that he'd be welcome anywhere as long as Armin was the one residing there? It seemed like he was. At the same time, though, he seemed a little apprehensive, like he knew that he probably shouldn't be here but didn't care enough to stay away.

"Sooo, Eren," Reiner began, "what brings you here? All the way to Baltimore? At... Shit what time is it?"

"Midnight," Annie supplied icily. Her tone didn't go unnoticed by Eren, and Armin was willing to bet that neither did the fact that it seemed to be completely directed at him and not her roommates.

"Ah, thanks, babe," Reiner said as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder and smiled brightly. He was trying his hardest to cut through the tension in the room, knowing that if he didn't somehow manage to keep it at bay, then Annie would be at Eren's throat in a heartbeat. 

"Yeah, so what brings you here at midnight," Reiner continued. "I mean, I know we're irresistible, and we've been very missed on your side of the country, but a little warning would've been nice."

Eren cleared his throat before he began to speak, and when Armin turned to look at him as he spoke, he just barely caught Eren's eyes. "Well, I was... Uhh, I was thinking.." He looked back at Armin. "When was the last time that I spent your birthday with you?"

"Umm.." He looked to Annie, who just stared at Eren as if he'd punched Armin in the face rather than asked a question, and then to Reiner, who just shrugged. "My birthday was almost a month ago? You texted me–"

"Yeah," Eren interrupted, "but when was the last time I actually spent your birthday with you? Hell, when was the last time I spent any fucking holiday with you?"

"Senior year? Eren, I don't understand what you're getting at." And he really didn't. Was Eren really trying to tell him that he'd flown all the way here just because he missed out on his birthday? Where did that come from if so? He'd never seemed too upset by it in the past.

"I'm trying to say that I miss you, I guess." He tore his eyes away from Armin's and stared at the floor instead. "I'm tired of missing out on shit in your life, you know? I feel like we aren't what we used to be, and I miss it." He stopped talking long enough to look back up at Armin to make eye contact. "I miss you."

Before Armin could even think about what Eren had just said, Annie was speaking. "You miss him? You're tired of missing out on shit? Are you fucking serious?"

"Annie," Reiner warned.

"When was the last time you made an effort to actually see him when we went home for the holidays?"

Annie, st–" She cut him off.

"I know damn well that he asked you to meet up with him multiple times even though I advised him not to."

"Annie, enough. He didn't come here to be attacked."

She turned to her boyfriend and laughed sardonically. "Right. He came here because he missed Armin. You know what, though?" She looked back at Eren, and she looked absolutely vicious. "He might not have come here to be attacked, but we didn't come here for unexpected visits from assholes who have no regard for how their 'best friend' feels."

Reiner sighed and was about to say something else to try and disarm her, but Eren snapped first. "What the fuck does that mean?"

"Tch. You're a fucking idiot–"

Armin had had enough. "Can you please stop?" Everyone looked at Armin then, and the tears that he'd told himself he wouldn't shed almost escaped without his permission. "Just.. stop. Eren, I'm guessing that you don't have a place to stay, right? You can sleep in my bed, and I'll take the sofa."

"Ar, I don't want to kick you out of your own bed. I'll take–"

"You're not kicking me out. I'm offering. I think I'm going to crash now if you don't mind, though. We can go somewhere and talk tomorrow."

"O-okay."

"My room is the second one on the left. I have some clothes you can borrow, too."

"Okay. Thank you." He started down the hallway and was halfway to Armin's room when he turned around and almost whispered. "I'm sorry for just showing up like this... I guess I just wasn't thinking. Goodnight, Ar."

Armin's breathed hitched, and he could feel his friends' eyes burning a hole in his head as he parrotted Eren's words back to him almost as quietly. 

He had managed to maintain what he hoped to be a neautral expression throughout most of that conversation, but now that Eren wasn't there to see him, he was starting to crumble.

Annie and Reiner both went to him with the intention of comforting him, but he just brushed them off and walked over to the sofa.

"Hey, man," Reiner started, "do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really. Look, I'm just going to go to sleep now. Goodnight."

He didn't have to look at them to know that they were both silently trying to decide if leaving him alone was the best choice, but in the end, Reiner sighed, and at the same time, they both said, " Goodnight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. Knock it off.  
> Get it?  
> He was knocking at the door?  
> I'll stop now..
> 
> I hope this was at least a little enjoyable.


	3. III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sweats* 
> 
> I hope this is good considering it's been in my drafts for 1000 years.

The following day found Armin and Eren sitting in a booth at a small, cozy coffee shop close to Armin's apartment. They had been sitting there for about twenty minutes, laughing and reminiscing about old times, and Armin almost forgot that they needed to discuss Eren's abrupt trip to Baltimore.

"Oh, man," Armin said, smile on his face and laughter in his voice, "I wish we could've got a picture of your dad's face! He looked so flabbergasted!" He reigned in his laughter long enough to take a sip of his coffee.

Eren, who had his head cradled in his arms on the table to muffle some of his laughter, picked his head up, eyes watering and a beautiful smile stretched across his face, and all but screamed, "He thought you were Christa!"

Armin regretted drinking anything during this discussion because he almost spat his drink straight in Eren's face. He covered his mouth as he sputtered and tried not to spit anything out. When he finally managed to swallow, he looked at Eren, who was barely holding back more laughter himself, and doubled over with amusement.

He'd forgotten how easy it was to just be with Eren, to laugh uncontrollably and talk about anything under the sun. He missed it, probably more than he cared to admit.

Once they calmed down again, which took at least two minutes and many glares from the other patrons, Armin said, "Well, I was wearing a dress and a tiara, and Christa and I did look a lot alike as kids, so maybe he wasn't wrong in assuming...." 

Suddenly, Eren wasn't smiling anymore. "But he didn't have to freak out about the kiss. He thought it was cute when he thought you were her." Eren practically spat the last sentence. It was full of venom, and Armin was really starting to regret this particular trip down Memory Lane. He'd forgotten about how that kiss was the catalyst for the slight tension between Eren and his father. 

"Well, no," Armin began," he didn't have to react the way he did, but he calmed down and accepted it... Eventually."

Eren scoffed as he turned to look out the window. He was angry, more angry than Armin thought he should be.

His father did eventually accept Eren's sexuality.

Didn't he?

"When," asked Eren. His voice was cold and shaky, like he was fighting back tears.

"What?" Armin watched Eren carefully while waiting for him to elaborate. He looked... Sad. The look on his face, in his eyes, was a dulled version of the despondency Armin saw there for a year after his mother died. It shocked him honestly. He hadn't seen that expression cross Eren's face since the brunet met Levi. What was causing it now?

Armin let a minute or two of silence pass between them while he waited for Eren to answer him, but when it became obvious that he wouldn't respond, Armin prompted him further. "Eren, what–"

Or he tried to at least.

"I never told you, but he never really got used to the idea of having a 'sinner' for a son. He acted like he was okay with it around you because he didn't want you to know how much he hated what we are." Eren looked at Armin for a second, then he looked at his cup and picked it up to take a drink. "Apparently, he wanted my friends to think that he was Father of the Year for keeping his thoughts to himself. 'Appearance is everything, Eren.' Fucking asshole."

He ran a hand through his hair with a huff and turned his gaze away from the table and back out the window. The dejected look in his eyes was still there, Armin noticed, but it was once again accompanied by the anger that was predominant only moments before. 

That wasn't entirely an unfamiliar emotion for Eren to display. In fact, Eren had always had anger issues, and they got worse around the time that Eren's mother died, around the time he stopped pretending that he wanted to marry Armin. However, it was still one that Eren had managed to really reign in over the past few years, probably with Levi's help, so Armin wasn't used to it anymore. 

And he couldn't say that he particularly liked seeing it again.

Armin was looking for the right thing to say when, suddenly, Eren threw his head back and groaned. "Ugh! I just... He's such a dick, Ar, and yet people worship the ground he walks on for 'toughing it out' and 'sticking by' his gay son, for being 'progressive' enough to not disown me, his own flesh and blood, for my sexuality." He lifted his head and looked his blond friend right in the eye as he said, "If they fucking knew what kind of shit he's said to me since he found us kissing, what kind of shit he's almost done to me, they probably wouldn't think so fucking highly of him."

"Eren," Armin began slowly, choosing his words carefully, "what do you mean exactly? What kind of stuff has he almost done to you?" God, Armin hoped that he wasn't implying what he thought he was.

Eren went to duck his head, as if he was suddenly ashamed of the route this conversation took, but he thought better of it apparently and kept his eyes locked on Armin's.

"He's threatened to hit me, and he almost did it a few times, too." 

Armin gaped at him, mouth wide open and blue eyes blown with disbelief. "W-what? Wh-why didn't you tell me?"

"He threatened you a few times as well." Eren's eyes softened. Instead of a fierce, fiery gaze, they were guilt ridden and full of sorrow. "He said that if he ever caught me kissing you again, he'd not only beat the shit out of me, but he'd make sure to do the same and probably worse to you."

"Eren.." Armin couldn't believe what he was hearing. Eren's father had always been so kind to him, so welcoming, and Armin always felt that the Jaeger household was a safe place. "When did he start threatening you?"

Eren shrugged. "Not until after Mom died."

"So he's been treating you that way since you were 12, and you're just now telling me?" Irritation seeped through the blond's voice, and that seemed to surprise Eren and set him off at the same time.

"What did you want me to say, Armin?" The anger reappeared behind his emerald eyes, but it was much duller compared to what it was earlier. "How exactly do you tell someone, 'Hey, my dad hates us because we're gay, and I have to pretend like I don't like you anymore now because he might hurt you'? How do you do that? What would telling you have done? Scare you?" He scoffed again, but there was less venom to it than before. "I swore to myself that I'd never, ever be the cause of your fear, and I sure as hell wasn't going to let you fear my dad."

Armin felt his blood start to boil. "And what the fuck makes you think that you had the right to hide that from me?" Eren's eyes snapped back up and found Armin's again, surprise written all over his face. Armin very rarely got angry, and he'd never been angry with Eren before now, but he felt that he had a right to be angry at him now. "I deserved to know that he was threatening me just as much as I think I deserved to know that he was threatening you! I'm your best friend, Eren! I would have helped you! My grandfather would have helped you!"

"Armin–"

"No," Armin snapped, "I'm not done. And what the fuck did you mean you had to pretend not to like me? Is that why you just stopped talking about us and the future you apparently had mapped out so suddenly?"

"Yeah.."

Armin laughed, albeit a little hysterically. "So you mean to tell me that, instead of Levi, I could be your boyfriend right now?"

"What?" Eren was staring at him. He looked confused and worried and more than a little hurt, and Armin couldn't really find it in himself to care at the moment. "No.. I.. Yes?"

"Oh, my god," the blond said, laughter still bubbling from his throat. "I spent all that time pining over you, hoping that you'd just realize that you weren't wrong when you said we were meant for each other, when I probably could have just said, 'Hey, Eren, I love you,' like I had wanted to so many times, and saved myself the years of heartache? Or am I misinterpreting this? How did you feel about me when you met Levi?"

"No, you're no–"

"Wait," the blond interrupted, "is this what you came here to tell me?" Eren looked like he wanted to object, but Armin didn't give him the chance. "Don't give me that 'I missed you' shit. Don't forget that I know you better than anyone, or I hope that I still do, and I know when you're not completely telling the truth... Did you come here to tell me that you loved me?"

Eren's eyes had gone back to the table at some point while Armin was talking and stayed there, but he forced himself to bring them back up, to look at Armin head on as he answered him. 

"Yes."

Armin inhaled sharply and then held his breath. Did Eren really just say that? Did he really just admit to flying here on a whim to confess his love to his childhood friend? No.. He's got Levi.. Right?

Armin released the breath he had been holding deep within his chest. "Eren.." Green eyes still met blue as Armin continued, "What about Levi?"

Armin watched as the detached look returned, and he thought he saw Eren flinch slightly at the mention of his boyfriend's — ex-boyfriend? —name.

"We..." Eren looked as if he were on the verge of tears, and Armin was really starting to wish that this conversation never took place. He hated seeing Eren cry. "I left him."

"F-for me," Armin sputtered uncertainly.

"For you," Eren said. Armin searched for the telltale signs of falsehood, but he found none. 

"And for me," Eren continued. He looked away from Armin as a tear fell from his left eye, and Armin wanted so desperately to reach over and wipe it away, to reach out and hold Eren until he no longer felt the need to cry.

"What.. What happened," Armin asked.

"Like I said," the green eyed man began, "I was thinking about you, about how I've missed so much and how I wanted to see you, and that led to me finally realizing that I hadn't been happy with Levi because I was still too caught up on you." He paused and looked back at Armin to make sure that the blond was listening, and when he continued, a quiet sob shook his body. "I think he knew, too... Probably the whole time. That's why he never really wanted me to see you, why he monopolized my time in high school. He thought I wouldn't be able to leave him if you weren't around to remind me how deeply I felt for you."

"So you left because you weren't happy with him," Armin asked slowly. "He... I never thought he'd be a controlling person.."

"It's not as bad as you're probably thinking. He wasn't abusive, and I really had a lot of freedom to just do whatever, but.. He would find reasons for us to be out of town while you were home, or he'd find other excuses for us to stay away from you if we couldn't go on a trip or something.

He.. he was wonderful to me, Ar. That's one of the reasons why I had to leave. He loves me so much, but I'm in love with you. I always have been, and I can't stay with him now that I know that these feelings will never go away. He doesn't deserve that."

"And you think I deserve this," Armin exclaimed angrily. "I have a boyfriend now, Eren. Did you even think to check what was going on in my life before you flew here to confess?" He paused as if he was waiting for an answer, but Eren didn't respond, so Armin continued.

"No. Of course you didn't. You just assumed that I'd drop everything for you. That's why you flew here unannounced.

Jesus, do you know how long I waited for you to do something like this? Years! I waited on you for years, Eren, but now that I've finally found it in me to move on, you show up and fuck everything up!"

Eren winced at Armin's heated words, and as much as it hurt Armin to know that he was hurting Eren, he just couldn't stop or take it back in that moment. Eren needed to hear this... Even if it hurt them both.

After a long, drawn out minute of silence, Eren finally spoke.

"I'm sorry, Armin. I never should have done this." His voice sounded strangled, and Eren's eyes were welling with tears that he didn't seem to want to shed.

"Eren–"

"I'm sorry I didn't check to see if this was okay first. I'll.. I'll, uh, book the next flight ou–"

"Don't be ridiculous. I might be pissed off right now, but that doesn't mean that I want you to leave."

"You... don't?"

Armin sighed. "No. You're my best friend, and I've really missed you... You just shouldn't expect anything. I'm not going to leave Erwin just because you confessed."

"And I don't expect you to."

"Good. We should go. I have to go to work in a few hours."

"Alright."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I'd just really like to say that I really appreciate any and all comments that I get, even if I don't reply to them all.


	4. IV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a little bit of Eren POV because why not, right?

Most people would say that Eren was far too impulsive for his own good, and if they would've said that to him two weeks ago, he would deny it until he was blue in the face. And if you asked him now? Well, he'd have to agree.

Two days ago, Eren decided that he was going to break up with his boyfriend, Levi, and get on a flight from California to Maryland, specifically Baltimore. Why? Well, that's where his best friend and the love of his life resided of course. Why wouldn't he just drop everything and leave without even packing a bag just to go across the country? It certainly wasn't because he wanted a snowy winter or to enroll in Johns Hopkins.

Eren didn't even give Levi a proper goodbye. He just wrote a note explaining what was going on and made his way to LAX for the next flight to Maryland. Did Levi deserve that? Hell, no. He deserved the world, and the world is exactly what Eren couldn't give him. How could Eren stay with someone who completely devoted themselves to him when he couldn't even do the same because his heart was already in the hands of another?

Now, it's not that Eren didn't love Levi. He did, but he knew that he could never love him as much as Armin. It took him a few years to figure that out, but once he did, he decided that he couldn't keep stringing Levi along. As said before, Levi deserved the world, probably the entire universe, and he deserved someone who could give him what he needed.

Needless to say, Eren wasn't even a little surprised to see Levi's name and picture lighting up his phone with an incoming call. The brunet was a coward, after all, and Levi liked to face things head-on. Luckily, no one was home at Armin's apartment right now, so Eren could have this conversation in private.

"Levi," Eren greeted sheepishly. There was no point in hiding his shame, but Eren wouldn't apologize. Levi would hate that anyway. Eren made the choice he would regret least, and if he explained that to Levi, then he'd understand. It was his motto after all.

"Eren." Levi was trying to keep his voice steady, but Eren could hear the devastation in it. "I'm guessing you made it to Armin safely."

Levi was trying to go for nonchalance, but again, Eren wasn't fooled. This was killing him, and that was in turn killing Eren. Despite what everyone might think now that Eren's up and left, he doesn't feel good about the pain that he's inflicted upon Levi by ending their relationship.

"Yeah, I did," Eren replied. "I almost texted or called you to let you know, but... That felt like pouring salt on the wound."

"This entire conversation is you pouring salt on the wound, Eren," he said as his voice wavered and cracked. 

Levi paused for a moment, and Eren heard a barely audible sob on the other end. Levi must have pulled the phone away from his face in order to drown out his cry, but Eren still heard it, and it tore him up. Levi was crying. Actually, truly crying, and it was all his fault.

Eren suddenly heard a loud, shaky breath on Levi's end, and then Levi was speaking again. "How long have you known that I wasn't what you wanted?"

"What? Levi, I tol–"

"No," the other man interrupted, "you said that you knew for a while, but I want to know what your definition of a while is. A week? A month? Fuck, Eren. Please tell me it wasn't longer than a year."

"About a month," Eren quietly answered.

"I honestly expected it to be longer than that."

"You understand why I left, right, Levi? I couldn't string you along knowing that I'd never.. that I'd never.."

"You can say it, Eren," Levi snapped. "You already broke me by actually leaving, especially without a proper goodbye, so what more is you saying it aloud going to do?" His voice was borderline icy.

"I love him, Levi. Something tells me that you always knew, but now that I've actively stopped denying it and recognized it as the truth, I can't stay with you and continue to promise you a lifelong partnership. That's not fair to you. I want you to be able to find someone who can give you everything that I couldn't and more. You deserve nothing but the best, and I'm certainly not best for you."

Eren could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and he felt his throat constrict. If they didn't end this soon, they'd both be crying messes.

Levi started to sob again. "I won't find anyone else because you're it for me." There was a pause and more crying. "You're my Armin."

Eren had to bite his tongue to keep from crying out. What right did he have to cry when Levi was the one who was heartbroken?

"Look, Eren," Levi began. "As much as it kills me that this... that we are over... I just.. Please know that I don't hate you, okay?"

Was he serious? Eren hurt Levi, and now he's trying to reassure Eren? How could Eren ever deserve someone so perfect? 

Then again, Armin was perfect, too.

"I don't hate you, and I... Jesus, this is so fucking hard to say!" Levi took a moment to gather his thoughts, and then he continued. "I still want to be your friend at least. Give me time, and I'll reach out to you, let you know when I'm ready to talk again. I guess I just want you to promise me that you're not completely throwing me away?"

"Of course I'm not, Levi. You're still my best friend." Eren wasn't even trying to hold back his cries at that point. He openly weeped as he promised Levi that one thing.

"Okay," Levi said. "I'll talk to you eventually, then. I hope.. I hope things work out with Arlert."

"Thank you, Levi."

"Yeah... Bye, Jaeger."

"Bye, Levi."

Eren locked his phone and placed it on Armin's bedside table before he laid on the bed and cried himself to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's not always the bravest or the smartest.
> 
> I felt like the emotions and attitudes were kind of everywhere, but... you know.  
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding the last chapter: I guess I should get it out there that I am a sucker for friendships that last even after the romance/love is gone. I know that doesn't work for everyone, but it's so nice to see that there are some people that don't leave a relationship, even if it ended badly, hating each other.
> 
> Anyway, here's the next chapter..  
> I hope you enjoy it.

For a few nights after Eren's confession, Armin didn't go home. He was confused, upset, and more than a little angry, so he stayed with Erwin and tried to pretend for a while that nothing even happened. Was that healthy? Not really, but Armin couldn't bring himself to care. If it bit him in the ass later, then so be it, but for now, he just wanted to be with Erwin, be where he knew what he wanted and what he felt.

That worked for about two days, but then, while Armin was lazing about in Erwin's bed as his lover took a shower and got ready for work, he was hit with a string of thoughs that he knew he shouldn't have after what they had just done. Or ever.

Of course, Armin went into his relationship with Erwin knowing that he'd never truly get over Eren. What Armin felt for his best friend went beyond any kind of love that he could ever have for anyone, and he explained that to his boyfriend before they got too serious. That didn't excuse the fact that Armin immediately thought about Eren after he had sex with someone else, though, and it kind of made him feel sick to his stomach.

He just had two amazing rounds of sex with someone he was convinced could be nothing less than a god, but he was thinking about what it would feel like for Eren to be in Erwin's place. He wanted to know what Eren's hands would feel like on his hips. He wanted to know how Eren would look at him. Would his eyes be filled with lust or love? He wanted to know how Eren would kiss him. Would it be hard and passionate to match his fiery personality, or would it be soft and slow to reflect the compassionate side of Eren that few were lucky enough to experience? 

What made him feel worse about the direction his mind was going in was that he knew that he could find out if he really wanted to. All he had to do was ask Eren to fuck him, and he'd learn the answer to every question he'd ever asked himself since he realized that he wanted those things from his best friend.

God, he needed to stop, and he needed to stop now.

Eren was affecting him in ways that he shouldn't be, and it was absolutely driving Armin crazy. He just wanted to move on. He wanted to be with Erwin because Erwin was sweet and funny. He was kind and gentle. He was intelligent and even-tempered. He was everything that Armin should want, but why couldn't he help but want Eren more? Why couldn't he just let Eren go?

The shower shut off, and Armin could hear Erwin humming to himself while he dried off, and he felt ten times worse than he did a moment ago. How could he lie there, lounging in Erwin's bed while thinking of another man? How despicable was Armin? How terrible was he to want to stay despite how he knew that what they had wouldn't last now that Eren popped up and confessed his love?

Infinitely terrible. There was no way Armin could be considered a decent person anymore, not in his mind at least.

"So when do I get to meet this best friend of yours," Erwin asked as he exited the bathroom. The towel he used to dry off wasn't around his waist, and Armin refused to look below the belt because he felt that he didn't deserve to at the moment.

"Do you want to meet him?"

"I do," Erwin hummed.

"Why," Armin asked.

"Did you think I'd avoid him forever just because you're in love with him?" He turned towards Armin momentarily to raise an eyebrow, to dare him to deny it.

"I.. What?"

He laughed as he turned back around to finish his search for underwear. "Thought I wouldn't realize why you've been hiding out here all week?"

"Erwin–"

"It's fine, Armin," the taller man interrupted. "You warned me about this before we started seeing each other, and I can't say that I didn't see it coming."

"See what coming?" How could he possibly know that Armin was second guessing their relationship just because his friend showed up.

"Armin, sweetheart, I'm not stupid." He turned away from his dresser, shirt and underwear covering his naked body, and walked over to where he left Armin not even twenty minutes ago. He sat down on the edge of the bed, looked directly into Armin's eyes, and said, "I could always tell that you weren't completely devoted to me. It was just a matter of when you wanted to stop pretending or if it finally became real for you."

"I–"

"Seriously, darling, it's alright." He flashed Armin his most beautiful, genuine smiles. "I'm not angry. I'm hurt, but that should be a given. None of this was a game to me–"

"It wasn't a game to me either! I–"

"I know, Armin. I know, but... This was never really what you wanted. _I_ was never really what you wanted." Erwin leaned closer to where Armin sat and cupped Armin's cheek with one hand and wiped away his tears with the other. "It's time you admit that."

\-------------------------

Erwin was huge.

Eren never thought that Armin's type was tall blonds with muscles for days. And his thighs! Those things could crush someone. 

He was also beautiful, and from the two minutes that he spent in the man's presence, Eren could tell that he was kind and patient. He was everything that Eren wasn't, and that hurt. A lot. 

Erwin was the man Armin deserved. He didn't ignore him for years and show up out of the blue to confess his love. He didn't lose his temper and get Armin kicked out of movie theaters. He didn't give Armin hope for a future together only to take it away because his father threatened to hurt the one person who mattered the most. He wasn't Eren, and that in itself was enough to make him a worthy choice for a life partner.

Not for the first time, Eren thought about leaving. He could probably slip out unnoticed in the middle of the night. Armin hadn't been staying at home anyway, and Annie and Reiner didn't give two shits about him anymore, so they wouldn't miss his presence at all. He'd only been a burden to the three of them anyway.

He wouldn't go back to California. He no longer had a home there. Sure, he could stay with Mikasa, but that would only turn into him infringing on her time with Bertolt. They didn't deserve to have Eren bumming in their apartment either, and he wouldn't let himself be a burden to someone else. No, he'd have to find a place and make it his own. Start somewhere new.

But here's what it all boiled down to: Eren didn't want to leave. He wanted to stay close to Armin, even if that meant that he had to continue on as friends for the rest of his life. He could do that. Probably. Maybe.

Fuck. He shouldn't stay, but he couldn't leave. He'd missed Armin so much, and he didn't want to lose him again. He couldn't lose him again. He'd missed so much of his life already, and that killed him. It hurt so much to know that there were parts of Armin's life that he wasn't apart of. It was his own fault, but that didn't stop the envy he felt every time he heard some inside joke that he wasn't in on. It didn't stop the pain in his chest when he saw the way Erwin looked at him.

Deciding that he'd had enough of the googly eyes that the happy couple had for each other, Eren stood up and walked to the balcony. He hadn't smoked in a while, but now seemed like as perfect an opportunity as any.

After a few minutes of solitude, Eren heard the sliding glass door open and then close. Not that he expected anyone to look or him while they were all so happy together inside, but the last person he expected to walk out that door was Erwin Smith. 

"Everything okay, Eren?" And damn if he didn't sound one hundred percent sincere. "You've been out here a while, and Armin's starting to get a bit worried."

"Oh," asked Eren. "Then why are you out here instead of him?" He took out another cigarette and made to light it.

"Mind if I bum one?"

Eren turned his head to the right and scrutinized the tall blond. He didn't seem like the smoker type. "You smoke?"

"Occasionally," Erwin replied through a smile.

Eren hummed as home grabbed another one out of his pack and handed it over. He passed the lighter and watched as Mr. Perfect lit it up swiftly and with the ease of someone who did so more often than just occasionally.

As Erwin handed the lighter back to Eren, he said, "I smoked a lot more in high school and college."

"I didn't ask," Eren said as he turned his head to continue gazing at the night sky. There was still too much light pollution to see all of the stars, but he could definitely see more than he ever could back in his apartment in California.

"You were wondering, though."

"Was I?" Eren realized he was being a bitch, but he really didn't care. He felt dejected, and he wanted to take it out on someone. It wasn't mature. It wasn't what Mr. Perfect would do, but it was how Eren coped with certain emotions. Don't know how to deal with something? Take it out on someone else. It was easier than bottling it up all the time.

"It was written all over your face." There was a slight lull in conversation before Erwin continued. "And so was the pain that obviously sent you out here looking for seclusion."

There was no way he saw through him so easily. There was no way that Erwin fucking Smith, Armin's perfect boyfriend, was actually that perceptible. There was no way that Eren was being that obvious. Right?

"The fuck are you talking about?" 

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

"No, I don't," Eren snarled and turned to face the current bane of his existence. "Please enlighten me."

"It's killing you, watching us together. You probably think that I'm everything he deserves while you're everything that he doesn't deserve." Erwin gave him a moment to either confirm or deny everything he just said, but Eren didn't answer, and he took that as his cue to continue. "I'm right, aren't I?"

Eren sighed and turned away from Erwin again. He slumped over the railing and wondered how he ever became so easy to read.

"I want to hate you," Eren began, "because from what I can tell, you really are everything that I'm not, and everything that I'm not is exactly what he deserves. But for some reason, and it's probably because I want him to be happy, I can't hate you at all."

"Look, Eren... I broke up with him this morning."

"What," cried Eren. He whipped his head in Erwin's direction so fast that he felt like he'd definitely regret that later. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"Because, as you supposedly claim I am, I may be what he deserves, but I'm not what he wants." He finished his cigarette and put it out on the railing. "Don't rush him. He'll come to you in time, but you have to actually stick around and wait for that to happpen." His blue eyes roamed over Eren's face before they finally settled on Eren's, demanding that he not look away. "Can you do that, Eren?"

"For Armin," Eren stated, "I'd do anything." He tried to put as much determination into that one sentence as he possibly could. He wanted Erwin to know that he was serious, and it apparently worked because the blond smiled softly at him before he turned and made his way to open the door.

"I believe you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apparently have a bad habit of cutting people off while they're talking in my fics.
> 
> I didn't proofread, so please let me know if there are any mistakes!

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is most definitely welcome.  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Tumblr:  
> @oikawatooruisking (personal)  
> @titanjaeger (writing)


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